Tuesday, March 10, 2015

That Time I had An Abortion

I remember the pangs of fear in my stomach that crippled me when I found out I was pregnant.

What would I tell my parents?

What type of life would I end up with?

I remember crying in despair. I remember sitting in the waiting room of the abortion clinic. I remember the room being small. I remember the decision being final. I remember choosing my comfort and my “happiness” over God’s Will. I remember accepting to walk away from God in the name of having the baby-free life I desired. I remember everything.

And then, I remember waking up.

Yes ladies, it was a dream. A dream that I had a few years ago. No, I haven’t had an abortion and no, I haven't ever been pregnant. Yes, I remember the experience feeling very real, in my dream, and waking up in crippling fear. 


That dream proved one scary truth to me:

If I found out at the time that I was pregnant, I would have chosen to have an abortion. NO QUESTIONS ABOUT IT.

That is terrifying.

That is terrifying because I call myself a “believer” and a “Christian”. Nothing about the thoughts I had and the action I took in the dream reflected “believer” or “Christian”. I did not confer with the Holy Spirit about what to do in the situation. I did not remember one line of scripture or the Word of God while sitting in the waiting room of the abortion clinic. I did not consider for one second the Will of God. Upon hearing I was pregnant, my first, second, and third thoughts were abortion, abortion, and ABORTION.


I learned two things from my “abortion dream” that I’d like to share with you, ladies. The first one is this:

I am not a good girl.

I’ve talked about the illusion of “good girls” in a previous post and how self-righteously foolish I was to think I was a “good girl”. Well, this dream was one of those truth bombs that showed me exactly what I was – a not-so-good girl.  When I found out I was pregnant in my dream, I was immediately ready to have an abortion. I was ready to kill a growing child within me without a moment’s doubt. I was ready to do whatever it took (ungodly and unrighteous) to have the self-absorbed and happy life I wanted. No matter the cost – not even if it meant sacrificing a developing child. I was ready to do it in my dream…and I would have been ready to do it in real life.


Especially since I’m a Christian.

That shook me to my core. Upon further reflection, I can tell you today what that truth means – it means that I can only have holiness and righteousness when I am IN CHRIST. He is the one that makes me a “new creation” and His spirit is the one that compels me to do good works and convicts me to stay away from sin. When I am outside of Him, and IN my selfish/fleshy desires, I ain’t nothing pretty.

I need Jesus every single moment of every single day. POINT. BLANK. PERIOD.

The second lesson I learned:  Prevention is better than cure”.

I really don’t like bragging. I think it is an unattractive, ungodly habit and I especially dislike it when I succumb to insecurity and feel the need to brag. But, in this case, I ask you to permit me to brag…on God. 


He truly is, “The Great I Am that I Am”. I continue learning in my life that NO ONE is wiser than God – even when I feel angry or disappointed or confused about God’s plan for my life. Regardless of when I decide to swim with my bipolar feelings or not, God remains BRILLIANT. You see, He knows our nature. He knows how we self-sabotage ourselves and He put boundaries and commands in place to protect us from, quite frankly, ourselves. One of those said boundaries is His design for sex as a gift within marriage ONLY. Not to punish us or keep us “without” but to help us avoid such scenarios like that of us lying on an uncomfortable hospital bed in a small abortion clinic, full of fear and shame, and getting prepped for an abortion. His rules protect us from future headache, heartache, and misery that we rarely ever see coming. Now you might say I’m going too far with this but, I beg to differ. 

Let’s look at some information on abortion.

·         In the U.S. alone, there are over 1,000,000 abortions annually.

·         Legal abortion is considered the fifth leading cause of maternal death in the U.S. Some women that have abortions die within a week of the surgery due to hemorrhaging, infection, and anesthesia.

·         Women with a history of having an abortion (or multiple) have a 2.3 times higher risk of having cervical cancer than women who have never had an abortion.

·         Between 2 and 3% of all abortion patients suffer from uterine damage which may result in complications with future pregnancies and sometimes evolves to problems that require a hysterectomy.

·         Cervical and uterine damage may increase the risk of premature delivery with future pregnancies, labor complications, and handicaps among newborns.

·         Abortion has links to behavioral changes like smoking, promiscuity, eating disorders, and more that all lead to increased health risks.

·         Studies have also shown that a significant amount of women that have had abortions suffer from extreme trauma and regret over their decision, with many being hospitalized for psychiatric care and treatment.

·         Studies also show that a significantly high number of women that have had abortions suffer from suicidal thoughts with many attempting suicide (suicide attempts are especially prevalent among post-abortion teenagers).


And these are just a few of the results on the effects of abortion on women.

Ladies, it’s scary. I’m scared. I’m scared for the girls and women that live as these statistics because of the abortions they ended up having. I’m scared for all the girls and women that are going to have an abortion and have these repercussions to live with for the rest of their lives.  I’m scared because despite having access to all this information, and knowing the misery an unwanted pregnancy can bring, more and more girls/women are having premarital sex with no care or thought of the potential consequences to come.  I’m scared and quite frankly, angry as well.

Why don’t we listen to God?

Why don’t we honor the boundaries He sets for us to PROTECT us because He LOVES us?

Why do we dig our own graves and then fall apart in shock when it’s time to step into it?

Why do we keep trying to control things in our lives and play “smart” when in reality we don’t have the answers and need God every step of the way?

Why are we so foolish?

And I’m not just talking about when it comes to premarital sex and abortion. I’m talking about all areas of our lives in which we disobey God’s Will and continue to move farther away from His protection and into the snares of sin.

Why are we so foolish?

I’m getting really tired of being foolish. When I woke up from that dream, I realized I was foolish to think I was a “good girl” and I was above certain sins. I realized that I had to depend on Christ for my righteousness because without Him, I was a mess. I also realized that the phrase “prevention is better than cure” is 100% GODLY – scripture (1 Samuel 15:22) says, “to obey is better than sacrifice”. I get it now. You see the people of God consistently had to offer sacrifices to God for their sins and disobeying His commands. But, if they had obeyed His commands in the first place, they would not have had to go through the trouble of offering sin sacrifices in reparation!! Again, I say, God is BRILLIANT. He sets the rules up so that He not only gets honored but OUR BEST INTERESTS are also served – we get peace, joy, and fulfillment instead of continued anxiety, shame, and depression (which MANY of us deal with today).

Let’s listen to the Word and Will of God more, loves. If you are a teenager or young woman questioning whether you should be having premarital sex or not, COUNT THE POTENTIAL COSTS. 

Is it worth it?

Are you willing to carry the cost? Are you willing to pay a permanent price in the name of fixing a temporary issue?

Must you have the sex now? Are you unable to wait until you get married and can freely enjoy all the sex with your husband you want?

Are you willing to keep walking further and further away from the love and protection of God?

These are questions for you to think about.

These are questions for me to think about.

As for me, I can wait. Yes, the sexual desires and temptations do come and when they do, I like to remind myself of that fateful dream I had – the one that showed me if push came to shove and I found out I was single and pregnant, I would be the first one in line at the abortion clinic.

That’s a scary enough thought to discipline my urges. I don’t want the sin of abortion to stand between me and God. I’m already fighting to clear out the sins I had already allowed to separate us. I’d rather not add any more.

I hope this post gives you the encouragement you need not to add any more, ladies. 

Until next time :)

Disclaimer: If you're a girl or woman that has had an abortion, know that hope is not lost. Take your pain and sin to Christ. Confess it, repent to Him, and ask for forgiveness. We ALL need the forgiveness of Christ. Begin your walk with Christ afresh. If you are single, study God's Word about His design for sex. Don't fall back into the traps of sexual immorality - don't let it hurt you again. Don't let it grow a wedge between you and God. Don't let it rob you of your joy in Christ. 

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What are your thoughts on this one, loves? Have you ever considered having an abortion in the past? Do you know someone who has? Please leave a comment below.

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  1. Awful way to convey a message what were you thinking?

    1. Hey Richard. I was thinking that this article would be helpful to some Christian women that were on the fence about having or not having premarital sex; as well as those that were not fully aware of the ramifications of abortion.

  2. Thank you for being the mouth of God. There is a number of women who have done it and are looking for ways of being forgiven by God. Confession and repentance is the answer. Thank you Lord once more

    1. Thank you for reading the article and commenting! "Confession and repentance" to God is always the answer for any of us when we've strayed from the Will of God. Hopefully, more of us remember that :)

  3. Smart girl. Love your delivery. Indeed there are so many girls who are bitter and mean because they haven't forgiven themselves of their past. I pray this ministers to them and heals them. God bless you for your creativity.
    Yes the good girl syndrome is another form of living in fear. The expectations of a girl that is cautious. Some people identify themselves like that and their true identity is in Christ. Christ knew none of us can be perfect.
    I think your dream was a warning premonition of some kind.

    1. Thank you for your comment! Like you said, I felt the dream was nothing short of a warning to me that I should actively fight for godliness daily and never get deceived into thinking I'm "good" because I am always capable of not-so-good things.

      Also, I felt compelled to share the experience because I knew there were some ladies it would benefit.

  4. This post documented a lot of my thoughts. I recently realized that God, in his infinite wisdom, created his commandments to protect his children rather than "restict" us. And Hi Ada btw. First time commenting :)

    1. Hey Naija Girl Abroad!! I'm happy you commented :)

      I'm realizing more and more that what we call "punishment" tends to be "protection" from God but unfortunately it takes dire consequences for us to realize that. I'm aiming for more "prevention over cure" moments in my life and I share these types of stories to help others have that too.

  5. I can not believe that these are genuine comments as nobody in their right mind would think it okay to present a message in this way. There are so many ways you could have approached this very sensitive and yet important topic, but to do it this way shows a real lack of wisdom. If you are seriously going to leave this up then you discredit yourself and everything you claim to stand for. You may find this harsh, but I don't beat around the bush dear....

    1. I can accept that you don't agree with the way I delivered this piece, Richard, but I won't be taking it down. When writing it, my goal was not to be insensitive to those who have gone through an abortion; my goal was to shed an honest light on the danger of self-righteousness (by citing my own struggle with it) and the danger that living outside of God's Will brings upon us (i.e. by having premarital sex).

      As for wisdom, my desire is to grow in godly wisdom each day and that means being led by the Holy Spirit - not by my own selfish ambitions or your opinion or anyone else's. I expect this article, like any other article I've written or will write, to be of use and help to SOME people, not all.

  6. I thought this was very thought provoking. I'm glad it was only a dream, but am even happier that our God can forgive anything!

    1. George!! Thank you for reading and commenting. I'm glad it was only a dream too lol.

  7. There is an underlying tone in the article that...does not seat well with me. I am a christian girl, waited till marriage etc and I agree with no abortion but it could have been delivered a lot more delicately.
    If someone is contemplating an abortion or they have had one in the past, does this article offer hope or fear or guilt? I love your blog and your message but I think truth is best delivered in Love rather than fear or judgement.

    It is sad the the focus on repentance and forgiveness is only a disclaimer at the end of the article :(.

    1. Hey Jenny! First of, thank you for reading and for sharing your thoughts, I appreciate you :)

      As for the tone of the article, my desire was to create a sense of urgency in any Christian reading it (including myself writing it) to truly evaluate their life and notice the cracks in their relationship with God and His perfect Will for them.

      I feel as if the boldness and Christly courage that Jesus and the disciples in Biblical times had is sorely lacking in society today. It's like everyone is afraid to "offend" anyone so we try to be so delicate that we end up serving watered-down truths that are void of true impact. Of course, I am not to condemn others as if I am without fault (I really try to make sure I don't let self-righteousness pollute any godly truth I share - if you feel I fail at this, please remember I am still a work in progress! lol) but I am called to be honest and share what I have found to be true with the desire to help other women just like myself.

  8. This post should've been aptly titled "The Ugly Truth". As much as I hail myself as a Christian, I find loopholes in my faith when faced With a black & white issue such as abortion. My naive mind would say "no" point blank period, but my rational mind will weigh up factors such as victims of rape or child molestation & abuse. Are we to turn a blind eye to such issues all in the sake of a self-righteous stance? I don't know if I can wholly agree with all points made in this post

    BLEURGH - http://www.bleurghnow.com

    1. Thank you being honest, Onyxsta! Like you, there are several issues that I struggle with as a Christian - I definitely feel it's so much harder to tell anyone to simply say no to abortion when they're a victim of rape or child molestation. I continuously ask God to shed light on how I am to analyze and address issues that don't seem so black & white but more grayish.

      What I can say is that I believe the Holy Spirit always offers guidance to us on the path we are supposed to take in any situation, if we ask His help. And, I also know that while some cases of abortion appear grayish, like in those of rape or incest, there are other cases that are clearly a result of our own choice of premarital sex/sexual immorality and those fall under the black & white category. And in writing this article, I am talking to the ladies (and men) that are given the choice to walk into the line of fire of premarital sex or fight it by drawing closer to God and His Will.

  9. Nice Post!