Monday, December 8, 2014

What's the Deal with Sex and Christian Women?

 Oh, oh…here’s that intimidating topic many of us Christian gals are quick to shy away from.

“Sex? Ah, leave that one alone o!”

“Why do you want to talk about sex? Are you a nympho?”

“You want to talk about sex? Ok, here it is: If you have sex with your boyfriend, you’re evil!”

The subject is such a taboo factor in many Christian communities that one can easily go around in life completely confused and lost about the matter.

I know I was.

Growing up, I viewed sex as “that which must not be named”. (If you’re a Harry Potter fan, you’ll understand the reference :)

I didn’t feel comfortable asking my parents questions about it. I didn’t feel comfortable discussing it with friends. In fact, the only thing I knew about sex was what I saw in films and TV shows when folks were “getting it on” or what I read in the Temptation and Mills & Boon novels I would sneak away to read; which I sharply hid when I’d hear the sound of footsteps near my door for fear that my parents would catch me.

Besides that, I knew nothing about sex.

I knew nothing about the purpose of sex (besides the fact that it was the way to procreation). I knew nothing about how sex was supposed to stand in a Christian’s life. Now I supported the school of thought that premarital sex was wrong but before you consider applauding me, STOP.

It had nothing to do with respect for God’s Will or any holy conviction I had. It was simply because my elders said so (fear! Lol) and because it gave me the persona of a “good girl” (Have you read the post about my delusion  belief of being a "good girl"?) I didn’t understand what spiritual difference it made in one’s life if he/she chose to be sexually active before marriage or not. I didn’t understand why it would be of any real concern to God. I didn’t understand how it affected a person’s relationship with God. The only thing I knew was that abstaining from sex threw the risk of STD’s and unwanted pregnancies right out the window…and that sounded great to me!

Besides that, I knew nada.

Well, I’m older now and I’ve picked up a couple of golden nuggets on the sex matter along the way. As I’ve grown in faith and developed a genuine interest and love for living in God’s Will, I’ve also begun to question God about His thoughts on life matters - like sex - and why His ways are the best to follow.

And guess what?

He answers.

So, if you’re one of the many single & confused Christian ladies out there questioning the value of sex, the deal with premarital sex, and the role sex is supposed to play in a Christian woman’s life, here’s the 4-1-1!

First off, sex is a God-thing. You see God created sex. It was His idea. He came up with the concept. He designed the manual for it. What else did God do? He approved it as a gift that provides full honor to Him and benefit to us within that wonderful little union known as marriage. He did not say sex was a pastime activity to be engaged in whenever one “felt” like it with whomever they “felt” like having it with (even though the world continues to spread that false message). FYI loves, our feelings do not always match our faith. If you let your feelings lead you in your life, you’ll find yourself against the Will of God A LOT. And premarital sex is definitely “feelings-led”, not “faith-led”. Premarital sex cheapens sex. It reduces it to nothing more than another “escape-activity” for you when you’re “feeling” horny or insecure or lonely. Sex is meant for so much more than that. Unfortunately, we live in a world that has moved so far from the original design and intent of sex that we are now either in unholy bondage to it or on the other extreme, too afraid of it! What’s the problem? 

Well, it isn’t sex.

We know God created it and everything God created is good. The problem is how we have redefined, restructured, and quite plainly abused sex.

Truth: For every beautiful gift that God created holy, there is a perverted and unholy version that exists.

Needless to say, it is that perverted and unholy version of sex that has created so much misery for so many of us. And premarital sex plays a great role in that misery. Why is there so much addiction to masturbation and porn?

The idolization of sex.

It’s the false societal mindset that says sex equals happiness and you can’t possibly live a second without it. From porn addiction (I’m familiar with this one! I’ll save the details for a future post) to nymphomania (sex addiction) to orgies to pedophilia…all the way to zoophilia (sexual activity with animals). It’s obvious we’re a society that has gone mad with sex! It is ruling lives. It has been turned into a “god” with legions of worshippers.

But, it was never meant to be like this.

Sex was meant to be respected. It was meant to be a facet of your life (more specifically, your married life) but not life itself. It was meant to be enjoyed as a marital gift. It was meant to be controlled – it was not meant to control you…or me.

So, what’s the solution?

Start having a godly attitude about sex. Start seeing it as God’s creation. Start seeing it as a purposeful part of marriage. Stop listening to those that say things like “Relax. Sex is just sex.”

Sex is not just sex.

Sex brings along physical, as well as, emotional connections. Sex forms soul ties between you and whoever you’re having sex with. And here again comes the problem with premarital sex.

Why are you forming all these random soul ties with Tom, Dick, and Harry? Why are you risking headaches, heartaches, and spiritual depression by sharing such physical and emotional intimacy with Tom, Dick, and Harry?

Why not be patient (oh, the world despises that!) and form a deliberate and purposeful soul tie with the one you’ll call “husband”?

That would actually be in your BEST interest.

And before you say it, no…there is no such thing as “meaningless sex”.

That is a worldly concept created to make us “feel” better about abusing sex. If you haven’t already figured it out loves, there is nothing about life that is “meaningless”. Every action creates a ripple effect.

It’s always just a matter of time.

 One of those ripple effects of premarital sex is the common cause of divorce today: sexual incompatibility. Hardly surprising. Why wouldn’t this be a problem? If you are constantly “testing the waters” as a single gal, you will find it almost impossible not to compare your husband to all the sexual partners you’ve had in the past. And if you’ve had quite the lot, there is a greater chance he will not measure up in your mind. And no, the problem isn’t really that he’s no good at sex (like anything else in life, one can put in effort and improve), the problem is you set yourself up for failure by becoming, dare I say it, too experienced.

This is what is known as “unnecessary suffering”.

The type of suffering that isn’t required but unfortunately keeps getting picked over and over again.


We can make a different choice, loves.

As women, Christian women, we can decide to get back to the honor of sex. We can decide to see it as the marital gift it truly is and respect it as such. We can decide to stop looking at chastity before marriage as “punishment” and instead as an opportunity to honor God and our future husbands with our bodies and learn to discipline our “feelings” (which surely isn’t easy!). We can decide to stop making a false idol out of sex and instead keep God as the master of our lives. We can decide to stop seeing sex as “evil” and instead see it as a good thing made by our good God for a good purpose and good enjoyment. We can decide to exercise the courage to change our limited belief system about sex and renew our minds with God’s view of sex.

Because honestly ladies, sex is not “that which must not be named”. Sex is of godly design and is a valuable gift in life. The more we understand that, the more comfortable we will be talking about sex, the more godly-minded we will be about sex, the more we will enjoy it as it was originally intended (in marriage), and the less misery/suffering will result as a byproduct of sex.

Sex is a gift from God, ladies.

The sooner we "get" that, the sooner we’ll have more joy and peace :)
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What are your thoughts on this one, loves? Are you comfortable talking about sex? What were your thoughts about premarital sex growing up? How do you view sex now? Leave a comment below - you know I love reading them!:)

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  1. Well said sis, the truth can never be over emphasized.

    1. Dalu, sis! The truth bears repeating over and over...and OVER again lol

  2. Love this write up. I began debating in my head I see people indulging in premarital sex. They move on to be married and got good jobs. Are we being self righteous and not being conscious of His Grace? should I join the bandwagon again? I asked myself earlier today. Your write up has encouraged me. Not every body tells you the whole picture they are selling.

    This also reminded me of my own experience and others that have shared to me.

    By His Grace the revelation of the truth will be comprehended by the single ladies.

    I am from Christian background when the Pastors told us the real gist, covenant. Honor your self. My friends and I laughed out loud. I was like everybody is doing it and either its pregnancy or std. We would gamble the sweet experience with the later.
    If you don't understand anything please ask the Holy Spirit to reveal the truth and the will not have sex before marriage.

    Now the thing they didn't tell is besides the fear of pregnancy or waiting in vain for the STD periodical test to be negative. The wait is horrible.

    Soul Ties; premarital sex is the highest form of worship to the devil and under the covenant of marriage it's the highest form of worship to God.
    The man is always the head presuming it's opposite sex if it's same same there is always one person who is masculine and will be dominate person.
    This also opens doors to alot of things, you might be spiritually a sexual slave to your partner. Your partner might be into occult taking your blessings and controlling your thought life. Yes some men have confessed this. Some might sacrifice you to the devil for money. ESPECIALLY if you are a virgin. It's not written on anyone forehead who is into occult or not.

    Soul tie, continued, the partner knows your thoughts and might torment your mind. The partner might also make sure you not in any relationship a controlling spirit.

    Soul tie, if your partner is promiscuous you might during sex feel awful. you feel like others are penetrating you. You see when we have sex we open our bodies to spirit we think it's enjoyment.

    Soul tie, you in covenant with somebody. Condom or no Condom. You become one, condom or no condom.

    sex is sometimes overrated wait till you get married and the Holy Spirit will teach you all the tricks you think you need for sex. Fantasies kill the real sexual experience.

    Now a question to the author. Would you write an article on masturbation?

    Some single and married women do masturbate.

    I know it's in the Bible any sexual sin is sin against your own body.

    1. Thank you for your comment! I am so glad that the post re-ignited your desire to honor God with your body - even though it does seem like "everybody" is having premarital sex!

      What I've come to learn is that my name is not "everybody" - do I follow God or do I follow "everybody?" As much as it isn't easy to go against the crowd, I work hard to let the conviction of the Holy Spirit guide me in life and not the words and actions of "everybody".

      Like you mentioned, soul ties are no joke! We must be so careful when it comes to sex and who we give our bodies to.

      As for the article on masturbation, I plan to write one eventually! It's definitely one of the greatest bondages we are in today as a society that is wreaking spiritual havoc and pushing people farther and farther away from God.

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  4. Ada, this is a very insightful piece.

    I have had my fair share when it comes to being scared of talking about sex, considering the church I attended when I was younger. I did not have the 'accurate' knowledge of why abstaining from sex was one of the ways of purity before God. I know hearing my pastor say that 'when you sleep around, you carry another person's spirit' kept me in check. What he said is not wrong; it's indeed true. But I have come to understand that keeping our bodies is not supposed to be out of fear of STDs, transfer of spirits, unwanted pregnancies etc; it should be out of love and reverence for God.

    I have to also add that abstinence from sex [before marriage] is a PART of purity. A virgin man/woman is not synonymous to a pure man/woman. The state of a person's heart is key, amongst others.

    I am also inclined to say that abstinence from sex is expected from both male and female [MAN]. I feel that more emphasis is made on women keeping their bodies more than the men, more like a double standard. I know this article is for the ladies, but I just had to add that. Lol

    Finally, I feel that the concept of sex should be accurately taught in the churches, as well. Like you stated outrightly, sex is a gift from God. And only God can give His children the strength to flee from sexual immorality. Not by our power or strength, lest we boast.

    Keep up the good work.

    1. Dalu, nne! Like you, many of us growing up are told WHAT to do but no one really goes in-depth as to WHY we should or shouldn't do something. Abstaining from sex was about STD's, unwanted pregnancies, and pride for me when I was younger - nothing to do with God! But, like you said, the point of it is to show love and reverence for God. When I finally got that, I saw the beauty in chastity.

      And oh yes, it is a PART of purity but not what equals your purity. "Heart" is definitely key.

      Is the message of abstinence for women and men? Absolutely! My main focus was on the ladies in this article but you bring up an excellent point - we don't place enough emphasis on getting the message to our fellas too. And I 100% believe that a man is meant to use his body to honor God and his future spouse just as a woman is meant to. I may have to write a special article to the fellas on this at some point, lol

      Discussing sex in church is exactly what needs to happen! Classes and sessions on the gift of sex, the true beauty of abstinence before marriage, and the hidden spiritual pains of premarital sex (besides STD's and unwanted pregnancies) would be essential. I hope church leaders start exercising the courage to tackle these issues openly.

  5. I am also inclined to add my voice to Precious's... I know this is meant for women but can we also have a well balanced view on premarital sex for both girls and guys? the men shouldn't think that they have a pass, God's word on this applies to all of us.

    This is a very great article Ada, truly.
    I'd admit that I also had wrong views about sex and even when I did have an inkling on how it should be, my convictions weren't strong as they should have been.
    Mills and boon and peers confused me too..
    We can help this younger generation not to make same mistakes we did. Articles like this should go out to all and we should also help to mentor the young ones we see around us.

    Sex is sweet, great, lovely, an act that binds couples-but only married couples.
    And we shouldn't see God word for us not to have premarital sex as punishment to us, it is out of His love for us that He gave us such command.
    He knows that the end product of premarital sex for us would only mar our lives and He wants to protect us from it.

    God help us all.

    1. Frances! Thank you for your support, my dear. In agreement with you and Precious, this message is for the umu nwoke too o! There are no passes here lol. The entire point is that we, children of God (women AND men), honor and respect God's gifts more. Many might believe that it is unrealistic to expect men to adhere to abstinence from marriage - it is REALISTIC. It is all about motivation and willingness. Women too have the "itch". So, if we can learn to resist it, so can our fellow guys.

      So you too were a Mills and Boon reader, Frances! Lol. Those books eh - chai! Thank goodness I dropped them early on.

      And like you said, abstaining from premarital sex is not punishment! We have to shift our perception and start seeing it the way God does - PROTECTION.