Sunday, December 9, 2012

First Date Disasters

Hey guys! My topic today is, yes you guessed it, dating again! Since I'm in the single lane right now I have been going on blind dates (kudos to my friends) and I think it's safe to say that I have racked up quite a number of first dates. I must be really hungry these days because they've all been lunch or dinner dates. And, they've also all been big FAILS! Why, you ask? I'm about to tell you.

1. "The spitter" One of my biggest pet peeves. All I wanted to say to him throughout the date was "Please sir, control your saliva!"

2. "The pretentious twit" Ah yes. He was such an annoyance. I'm the first one who loves an engaging discussion with a well-educated man but I can not stand to be around one that thinks he knows it all but in reality knows next to nothing.

3. "The juicehead" Arnold Schwarzenegger  That's the only thing that came to mind when he walked in. He wasn't just buff, he was ridiculously buff. He looked so overstuffed in his outfit, I felt his shirt was about to rip any minute. I could barely contain my laughter.

4. "The sex-crazed Frenchman" Aw, Frenchie. He was so cute but even though he could barely speak English, he managed to mention at least 7 times during dinner how eager he was for "dessert." Sadly he didn't luck out that night. I can't just open the legs any how, STD's are very real these days.

5. "The snap-backs and tattoos dresser" Baaaaaby. This dinner definitely felt more like a babysitting gig than a date. He was covered in arm and neck tattoos, had his pants almost half-way down, and wore a backpack! He looked no more than 19 and when I asked his age he had the nerve to tell me 28. Lies.

6. "The toothless gold digger" Must have grown up in the same neighborhood with the snap-backs guy. He was dressed exactly the same, the only difference is he took it one step further and had a mouth full of gold teeth! Teeth are definitely on my list of first things I notice in a guy, and his were terrifying. Sorry, I just couldn't imaging a make-out session with that mouth.

7. "The stinker" One whiff of this guy and it was pretty much a wrap for me. He looked as unappealing as his stench. His clothes were rumpled, there were stains on his pants, his hair was unruly, and I promise you he smelled as if he hadn't bathed in a week. It was almost impossible for me to swallow my meal.

8. "The showoff" You already know this one ladies. He reserved our dinner date at the swankiest restaurant in town, rolled up in a 2012 Lexus, had on his oh-so-visible Rolex, ordered the most expensive item on the menu, and had Champagne free-flowing all night. He just knew I felt like the luckiest girl that night. Wrong. I felt irritated. It's not that I don't appreciate a successful, well-off man, I just can't stand one who feels the whole world has to know and desire him for it. To make matters worse, he truly was the most self-centered prick. Our entire discussion revolved around him, him, him, and oh yes HIM!

9. "The eye-drifter" This guy was quite the disappointment. I found him attractive, intellectual, funny and we were having such a good time except whenever a female passed by our table. The waitress, the hostess, random female diners, even those passing by the window who weren't even in the restaurant. It was beyond frustrating. If he couldn't focus on me while I was present, I didn't need anyone to tell me he would have a problem being faithful in the future.

10. "The smoker" One puff, two puffs, three puffs, Emphysema! That's what I felt like singing the entire date. He neglected to tell me we were going to a smoke-friendly restaurant and when I told him I didn't smoke he insisted we stay because "they've got the best steaks in town." He kept blowing smoke in my face and I kept coughing. I couldn't wait to get out of there. He obviously didn't get the memo about second-hand smoke being deadlier than first-hand.

11. "The Rastafarian" I felt like I was on a date with a wannabe Bob Marley. All I remember from this date is incomprehensible Patwa, dirty dreads, the aroma of weed, and the peace sign. And oh yes, I paid because he "forgot" his wallet.

12. The bush villager" Eeew. Once our meals made it to the table he turned on the gross factor. He literally took out the gum in his mouth and stuck it on the side of MY plate and then put his finger in my plate to pick up one of my chicken wings. Needless to say, my appetite was then lost.

Apparently my friends don't seem to know me as well as I thought, lol. Look at all the no-no's they sent my way. So tell me ladies and gents, what are some of your first date horror stories? Any of the guys above? Any worse stories? I wanna hear 'em!


  1. Ha ha ha the rastafarian! He forgot his wallet...interesting what guys will say these days. Common date is to hard for a man to pay for, but he wants to be your "main man" interesting

    1. see me see trouble o! financially disciplined...yes,!