Monday, August 21, 2017

When Women Knock Other Women Down

 As women, we talk a good feminist game

We say things like "I want every young girl and woman in the world to be fierce, strong, and fearless" or "women should be confident and empowered enough to tell their truth, speak their mind and defend themselves" or "one woman, every woman...we are a sisterhood!"

That's a lot of sweet talk and it sounds delicious to hear, really it does. 

The only issue: talk is cheap.

Throughout my life, God has gifted me the opportunity to cross paths with a select group of women that have served as continual guides, mentors, and champions of mine. To the women I'm referencing: May God bless you with the same love and support you have shown me at every point in life you will equally need it. 

Keeping in mind that such female supporters of women exist, it's only fair to acknowledge the other side of the coin -- women who do not support other women. There are several reasons for this.

Sometimes, it is fear that another woman's presence threatens ones sense of confidence and security so the response to such stimulus becomes mean-spirited words/actions and "adult bullying".

Sometimes, it is a distorted belief that being a "strong" woman is equivalent to intimidating and oppressing younger women who are more soft-spoken or humble or less experienced in one way or another (e.g. in a particular field at work).

Sometimes, it is residual bitterness lingering from being the target of unfair and nasty treatment in the past (e.g. as a new daughter-in-law or as one of the only female employees in a work setting) so it seems justifiable to "pay the nastiness forward" and offer the same ugliness to female newcomers in your environment.

Sometimes, it is a resigned attitude that "it's a man's world" and the only way to get ahead as a woman (in terms of power and prominence) is to operate from a sexist mode, discriminating and showing prejudice against other women. 

The circumstances can be different but the result is always the same -- women getting hurt, betrayed, sabotaged, and devastated by fellow women either within a family unit or at the workplace or within a social group. 

I can easily think of women I've encountered in my life to cast such blame on but that actually won't help. Instead, in a bid to follow the mantra of "becoming the change you wish to see", I'll focus on personalizing this issue. 

My call to action is to consciously remember that the way I daily choose to talk to or treat other women I cross paths with can have a direct impact on their attitude, passion, and level of optimism or pessimism in this world -- which in turn creates a ripple effect on how they treat other women in their lives and honestly, what energy comes back to me thanks to our ever-faithful friend karma

My goal is to remember this enough so that the amount of kind words and advise and gestures and opportunities I offer will exponentially grow and in turn, will mean I leave a legacy as more of a help to my fellow woman and less of a harm

To my female readers, what's your take on the issue? How does feminism and the empowerment of women play out in your lives? 

I'd love to know :)

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Friday, July 14, 2017

5 Things To Stop Overthinking About Because They Don't Matter

It's easy to get trapped in the vicious cycle of overthinking and worry. 

Am I on the right path in life? Will I ever get married? Why am I still not pregnant? When will I find a job? Why does he or she not like me? 

Some concerns are somewhat justifiable while others are simply not worth the stress. Here are 5 things I've learned are not worth the headache:

BIASES AND JUDGEMENTS OF OTHERS
Folks will always have "something" to say. Based on their childhood and adult experiences, values, prejudices and insecurities -- they will have an opinion about who you are, what you do, and why you do it. It is nothing to worry about. They're allowed to think or say whatever they want. In the same token, you're also allowed to accept or decline what they think or say about you. It becomes easier to detach your identity from the judgments of others as you grow and learn that "they" are usually confused and still trying to sort their own lives out. 

YOUR BIASES AND JUDGMENTS OF OTHERS
In the same way you're not required to receive anyone's biases or judgments of you, that is also how others are not subject to your biases or judgments of them. As much as we don't enjoy biased feelings targeted our way, it is quite amusing at how easy it is for us to drop judgement bombs on others with a full sense of entitlement. And if we're honest, many times we fall into the trap of judging others inaccurately and unfairly. I've learned (and continue to learn) that I should focus on improving my imperfect self as a human being and spend more time practicing "the art of shut up" :)

JEALOUSY
There's not much new to say here. I've touched on this topic at different times on this blog. Most of us are aware of the futility of jealousy -- how obsessive, stressful, and unfulfilling it can be. In the event that you or I have forgotten, let's use this moment as a reminder that chronic or acute jealousy is a waste of precious mental capacity and productivity hours. What another person has (that you might not believe you measure up to -- e.g. money, opportunities, relationships, etc) does not mean you or your life is of any reduced value. Acceptance and gratitude are the daily antidotes for jealousy. Acceptance that the only thing you can control are your own actions, beliefs, and perspectives so let your desire to control everything else go. Gratitude for every moment you're awarded the opportunity to learn and grow, to develop a sound mind / body / spirit, and to enjoy the people in your life (family, friends, etc) to the fullest extent.

SUCKING AT A PUBLIC SPEAKING EVENT
The fear of public speaking has been cited as one of the top 5 fears humans have. The anxiety, racing heart, and sweaty palms are typical symptoms of the fear that appear like clockwork to torment you prior to a work presentation, keynote speech at a conference, or any other speaking event where you become the center of attention and critical focus. And as if it isn't bad enough that you're riddled with this fear as you're about to head to the front of the room (or onto the stage), the unthinkable happens -- you bomb. You let your nerves get the best of you and end up fumbling your words, saying too many "um's", and losing the interest of the audience. The bad news? It can be a painfully shameful experience. As someone who has had a mixture of "hit" and "miss" public speaking experiences, I'm quite familiar. The good news? You survived it; your world did not come crashing down. You still have the opportunity to enjoy good laughs...and ice creamThe great news? The more public speaking challenges you take on, the less you'll suck, the more confident you'll be, and the better your public speaking skills will become. I learned firsthand that when it comes to public speaking (or anything else, to be frank), practice makes me better

DISHONEST CONVERSATIONS
Honest conversations and genuine connections are built upon "vulnerability" -- your ability and willingness to simply tell the truth; about how you think and feel, why you make the choices you do, what/who you truly value, etc. You might find that many of your conversations are built on the opposite of that -- deception, facades, lies, and disconnection.  Those are the most common conversations these days and there's honestly no blame to cast. You can only feel comfortable to be vulnerable with others when you are in an environment that fosters trust (trust that you are allowed to be truthful without risk of attack or disregard). Trust takes time and effort to build between people; without it, your conversations will remain shallow and baseless. I get tired of shallow conversations -- they are energy depleting and leave me feeling anything but fulfilled. It's possible you do too. Solution? Spend more time building trust (with those you can) and investing energy in honest conversations that lead to deeper connections. As for dishonest conversations, do your best to get through them...quickly. 

Know of any additional stress-inducers that should have made the list? Please share in the comments section -- I'd love to know. 

Until the next post folks :)

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Thursday, June 29, 2017

15 Questions with Adaeze Obiako (Part IV)

Aloha, folks :)

Here's the fourth post in the "15 Questions with Adaeze Obiako" series; with questions in pink and answers in blue. Read, enjoy, and leave your answers to the questions down in the comments section below. 


Q1. What are three words others might use to describe you?
A. Hmmm...stubborn, considerate, and endearing. 

Q2. What is your first memory of life?
A. Eating. It really doesn't matter where, I just know that wherever I was, there was food and I was consuming it. 

Q3. What's one not-so-typical thing you're excited about?
A. Future laughs that are yet to come. 

Q4. How do you feel about Ivanka Trump?
A. Well poised, well spoken, and passionate about the empowerment of women. Funny enough, my sister Nkiru and I ran into her at Louis Armstrong New Orleans International Airport years ago -- she smiled and said a few kind words, which we appreciated. 

Q5. What's one sound you love?
A. The sound of rain at night hitting the window panes when I'm indoors on the couch watching a movie -- very specific, I know :)

Q6. What made you laugh yesterday? 
A. An inside joke my mom and I shared -- I'll leave it at that :)

Q7. What's one thing that brings you satisfaction?
A. Ticking items off my to-do list (personal or professional).

Q8. What is one of the weirdest things you remember doing in your past?
A. When I was stressed or overwhelmed during the day in University -- I'd go into the Chapel we had on campus when no one was there, have an open discussion with God, and then take a 1 hour nap. I think about this and smile because I always felt at peace there. I did this for about one semester. 

Q9. What should every woman try at least once alone?
A. Go out to a restaurant or got to the movie theater or go on a trip at least once by yourself. It might seem scary or embarrassing to some ladies however there's something beautiful and liberating about learning to enjoy your own company. 

Q10. What are two quotes that have recently been heavy on your mind?
A. "The peace that we are looking for is not peace that crumbles as soon as there is difficulty or chaos. Whether we're seeking inner peace or global peace or a combination of the two, the way to experience it is to build on the foundation of unconditional openness to all that arises. Peace isn't an experience free of challenges or free of rough and smooth, it's an experience that's expansive enough to include all that arises without feeling threatened." - Pema Chodron

"When you are enthusiastic about what you do, you feel this positive energy. It's that simple." - Paulo Coelho

Q11. What's one thing you've done in the past that you'd happily do again?
A. Years ago, my best friend and I went to the Coyote Ugly bar in New Orleans (midday) and danced on the bar top to the song "Roxanne" by The Police. "Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light. Roxanne, you don't have to put on the red light. Those days are over!" BEST TIME EVER. 

Q12. What's one thing you'd like to try in the near future?
A. Indoor skydiving (indoor being the operative word).

Q13. What's one new TV show you're excited to see?
A. The Handmaid's Tale. It's based on the novel by Margaret Atwood about a dystopian society, run by fundamentalists, that is dealing with environmental disasters and a declining birth rate -- where women (especially fertile women) are treated as property of the state. 

Q14. What is one thing that might surprise people to know about you?
A. I've never been to a funeral. 

Q15. What's one thing you'd like to be remembered for?
A. My capacity for unwarranted kind gestures towards others...alongside a host of many things. 


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Tuesday, June 27, 2017

5 Ways to Deal With People Disappointing You

When dealing with people, disappointment is bound to happen. 

There will be times of hurt, lies, and disregard. Those moments will sting because you have feelings and those feelings are subject to bruising by the fickle attitudes, words, and unmet promises of others. So, what are you to do? How are you to deal with the element of uncertainty that comes in maintaining relationships (friendships, work relationships, romantic relationships, etc)? 

Here are a few quick tips that have proven effective in my life that might be helpful for you:

STOP THE "GREAT EXPECTATIONS"
Great expectations lead to great disappointments when those expectations are not met. Deal with people as they are -- human beings that are trying to figure out their path in this world, who don't have all the answers and are bound to make some mistakes / wrong choices along the way. Human beings that are just like you

WORK ON "YOU"
Chances are that you could do with some self-improvement when it comes to being a better friend, co-worker, partner, etc. Identify those qualities in others that disappoint you most and focus on diminishing those within yourself so that hopefully you end up disappointing those you care about less. For example, if you get offended by broken promises, be cautious of how quick you are to make promises to others and when you do, make it a priority to do your best to keep them. 

FORGIVE QUICKLY
Bitterness and resentment are poisonous and our days are too numbered to be wasted brooding over the actions, words, or behaviors of others. Forgive, let go...forgive, let go...and then repeat. Make this a life practice and you'll have a greater chance guarding your sanity and peace.

FOCUS ON THE BIGGER PICTURE
Nothing lasts forever. That includes hurt, pain, and bad circumstances. When you see things that way, what someone or others do that once seemed "devastating" or "heartbreaking" becomes a challenging life lesson to further your personal growth and acceptance of others. Sounds corny yes but that doesn't make it any less true. Your life experiences will shape you (for better or worse) based on your perspective of them. 

AFFIRM YOURSELF
Don't wait for anyone else to do it. Remember who God says you are and live in the security of His love and purpose for you. If you're not sure what He says about you, I recommend you start by reading the following article: What God Thinks About You -- it includes some great Scriptural references for your reading pleasure. Don't leave the constant renewal of your worth in the hands of others; it isn't fair to them -- they have their own ish to deal with. Take personal responsibility for your daily affirmation / sense of validation and enjoy the liberation that comes from it. 

And there you have it folks -- my 5 tips on handling disappointment derived from years of glorious experience :)

Any additional tips on dealing with disappointment that you've found useful? Please share in the comments section below -- I'd love to know. 

Until the next post. 


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Monday, May 29, 2017

Dear Quiet Rebels

Dear Quiet Rebels, 

I'm sure you've been told that rebels are loud and proud and require copious amounts of attention. I'm sure you've been told that rebels are daily seekers of new, unconventional, and exciting forms of stimulation -- unable to find satisfaction in the simplicity of routine, process, and predictability. I'm sure you've been told that rebels don't accept being told what to do and don't like to function within rules or boundaries.  

For some rebels, that's true. 

However, I want to tell you about a different type of rebel. 

The rebel that revels in the peace of quiet and the joy found in stolen moments of solitude. The rebel that has no need for the fickle spotlight and steps back while others fight one another, clawing their way towards center stage. The rebel that knows better than to waste time attempting to re-invent the wheel when it's obvious that reusing old and proven methods is far wiser and time efficient. The rebel that knows noise does not always equate knowledge and much prefers to let his/her creative outputs do the talking. The rebel that dares to live as he/she chooses, not based on whatever trend is "en vogue", and willingly accepts the crowd's reactionary laughter or label of "boring" as long as it means remaining true to him/herself. 

The rebel that knows there is logic in order and process, with happiness and fulfilment intrinsically linked to structure. The rebel that knows rebellion is not always about "daring to be different" but many times more about "daring to be simply and beautifully you", which won't always mean going against the grain

So, to quiet rebels everywhere, I implore you to accept your "rebel" status even when others don't. I implore you to appreciate the freedom you've found in clearly defined boundaries and limits -- after all, the wisdom and safety of rules dates back to biblical times, e.g. "The Ten Commandments" :) 

And above everything, I hope you learn (if you haven't already) that there's nothing wrong with your mode of rebellion as long as you remain a quiet rebel with a cause.

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Monday, April 24, 2017

At the end of the day, it's about choices

I recently reread "The Road Not Taken" by Robert Frost and it got me thinking about choices; the ones I make and the ones made by those around me. 

Choices in response to requests from people -- yes or no

Choices when drawn to a certain action or behavior -- do or don't.

Choices in terms of opportunities that present themselves -- take it or leave it

Choices in terms of discomfort or risk -- courage or cowardice.

Choices when faced with life's challenges -- laugh or cry.  

I'll reference a choice I made in 2012 that affects my life today -- the choice to start the Deserve Your Great Life (DYGL) blog; a platform to share my thoughts through the art of written storytelling that provides a sense of validation for me / my feelings and for several of you / your feelings. 

Why? 

To lead some people closer to living as more courageous, vulnerable, purposeful, and empathetic versions of themselves (I say "some" because my goal is not to reach everyone). 

It's the reason I chose to start DYGL in 2012 and why I still maintain it in 2017. It's the reason I still get led back to share posts despite my "disappearing acts" of 1-2-3 months at a time. It's the reason why I still keep the blog updated despite the possibility that several people might find my posts tiring or boring or nothing new. 

I'll keep finding my way back to DYGL for as long as I believe it serves a good purpose and impacts some people positively. If I don't believe that anymore, I'll stop. 

Now apply this to your life and the choice you made, recently or long ago, to start or build something of purpose and impact (it can be a product/service or a business or even a relationship). You might be feeling tired. You might be getting a lot of opposition, from your own mental dialogue and / or other people. You might be questioning the wisdom of your choice. You might be ready to throw in the towel. GOOD. It means it's time for a rethink

Does it (whatever "it" may be for you) still serve a good purpose? Does it still have positive impact on yourself and others? Does it still produce joy and fulfillment within you?

If the answer is yes, feel free to continue with the choice. If the answer is no, feel free to make a different choice. 

At the end of the day, the results / outcomes / consequences we experience the lasting effects of in our lives have our choices at the heart of the matter. 


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Saturday, March 11, 2017

15 Questions with Adaeze Obiako (Part III)

Happy Saturday, folks :)

Here's the third post in the "15 Questions with Adaeze Obiako" series; with questions in pink and answers in blue. Read, enjoy, and leave your answers to the questions down in the comments section below. 


Q1. What's the best advice you'd give your friends?
A. Always be willing to forgive. 

Q2. What's one super attractive quality in a man?
A. Attentiveness -- knowing that he truly listens to what I say, shows concern for my interests, and actively helps me focus more on my strengths than my insecurities is too wonderful to fully explain in words. 

Q3. What's one song you'd probably be caught dancing alone to?
A. Dancing with Myself by Billy Idol.

Q4. What's your favorite board game?
A. I really like Ludo -- super ol' school, I know. 

Q5.What's your favorite holiday?
A. I'll go with Thanksgiving. 

Q6. Heels or Flats?
A. Flats, of course. 

Q7. If you decided to master one instrument, what would it be?
A. The Piano

Q8. What toppings do you love on your pizza?
A. Pepperoni, mushrooms, and black olives. 

Q9. On a scale of 1-10, how excited are you about life right now?
A. Hmmm...I'll say an 8. 

Q10. What's one thing you hope you won't be doing in 10 years?
A. Stressing about life -- peace is the most delicious luxury I pray I get to move through life with. 

Q11. What's one habit you might want to stop?
A. Moving my arms / hands a lot when talking. 

Q12. What's your favorite wine/liquor?
A. Moscato. 

Q13. What are you completely bored of right now?
A. Frenemies. Let's be clear, either we're friends or we're not...the in-between situation is tiring and energy-consuming. 

Q14. If you could teach one subject in school, what would it be?
A. I don't want to limit it to one; either English/Creative Writing, Psychology, or Sociology. I loved them all when I was back in high school and Uni. 

Q15. What's one piece of advice you'd give your 15 year old self?
A. "Speak up in class more, Ada; you have an opinion and it's worth sharing"